The Ending

I know it’s come to an end. It is over. Just as we were beginning it stopped. It was abrupt. It wasn’t that it trickled or drizzled and then painfully emptied out. It was like a hard stop. A brake a big jolt and all motion simply stopped. 

It had nothing to do with him. It was me who was choosing to see the good, the best version, the beauty and willing to believe that when I look at a being like that, they will choose that.  I believed till a point when I realized there is no point in believing anymore. He is not ready. 

What I see now is utterly boring and uninteresting something I don’t even feel like looking at. I created magic out of trash. I was the conjurer. I gave the trash the chance to be beautiful, I nurtured it with love and described the vision in words and made him see the picture of what he could have been through my love. My eyes could see the most beautiful reality that he was capable of. But then to sustain it I needed him to adopt that version of himself, to become that. He is not ready.

And I need to move on. I don’t have time to waste. I am a giver; I have the calling to go conjure more magic and not stop till I am able to get a soul to transform and the one who can transform mine. Till I find the one who lives up to the image I create. Until then I wont stop. I pick my bags and move on. The thought of that makes me feel & sense freshness and freedom. 

My desire is freedom, but I am plagued by my need of having a sense of security. Is that why I was born? To learn how to be free when my DNA has been programmed to yearn for security? is that the challenge I must overcome and prove how it is done? Is this the purpose of my life?

The other side of freedom is security. My dream life – I live near the ocean. I have a house full of dogs and cats. I live by myself my books my music my movies my friends and my boy friends as and when I choose. I spend my money on things I want to spend on and travel the world on my terms with my kind of people. Don’t ever discuss retirement and dead still ideas like that. Saving 10 dollars and all the time milking things people to have a secure bank account because you feel poor perpetually. Sucha poverty stricken mindset unbelievable.