A Dead Relationship

When you know it’s over. You can smell death. It starts with a feeling of distance. A growing distance which you know is unbridgeable. You stand at one side and see it growing. You feel helpless sad yet you know this is the only way. You see things slipping away from you. You are standing their alone just about completely alone yet you know this is ok. It will be ok. You feel a sense of peace which you hadn't in all those years of togetherness. You blissfully take in the fresh air of your own companionship. 

You are grateful that the pulls and pushes – the tug-o-war which threatened to pull your mind and heart apart constantly are over. Yet as the distance grows without your realization suddenly there is a strong gust of wind throws you pushes you into bridging the distance. You respond to it and move forward with the sheer momentum and you fall. You lie there looking at the paths you have. One which takes you back and the other which takes you forward. One moment you know your chosen path and the other moment you don't. You try getting up and by sheer habit once again move towards what you wanted to leave behind. 

So many leaves from the past. The moments in which you think you created a bond of eternity, those corners of your house you sat in lovingly sharing the space & enjoying the feeling of oneness. The sun's rays that fell on the bed, the shade of the tree which you stood under, the music & the smell of food that warmed and lulled your heart into thinking all is well and you are where you belong.

Each of those moments tug at you. You think you know where your heart is but you are deceived by your own heart. There are so many hidden nooks and corners which respond to those pulls and without a warning , they start moving you backwards. You get desperate. You are breaking & totally bruised cracked inside. You cry for help you scream and shout. You ask yourself yet again what is it that you want. As you grope and you reach the bottom of the barrel. If you can sustain that period of extreme pain and be patient with yourself, let the cracks hurt, trust the bruises are good, hold on, know you will know – the smell of death becomes all pervasive. 

That is when you get up and let all the leaves from the past shed. You know leaves shed in autumn. You know colors change, for the new to come old must go. You know while something you knew, you were a part of, you thought was your life has died, is dead.

You are alive. And perhaps soon will be more alive than you ever were. You, after-all were always about the spirit of being alive, joyful & leaving the dead behind.